My life, designed by me.
My Blog is dying and it is no one’s fault but my own. It has gone from being a well cared for and semi regularly fed, fledgling little Blog, finding its way in the big scary internet, to one of THOSE Blogs. The one you stumble across, read a bit and then think WHY THE FUCK DID YOU STOP WRITING!!! WHAT HAPPENED NEXT????
Which should come as no surprise really. I am not great at finishing things. I am big on ideas, I am FULL to the brim of ideas. I come up with new story ideas and new Blog ideas all the time. It is a very busy circus in my head. I will partially write a Blog post in my head when I am driving and then totally forget the point I was making when I sit down at home to write it. Which is a shame because it was THE best idea I have ever had. Everytime. This leads to a lot of unfinished projects, drafts etc.
It has been on my mind that I have barely written, especially anything good, since I left work. I have been unable to connect with whatever I am writing. I start out with an impassioned argument and by the time it is committed to paper it is diluted, insipid and doesn’t convey the passion I have for the topic. Which is frustrating as hell. I know I can express myself. I know I can articulate things well. It’s just not happening.
It seems like no matter two hard I try, my focus isn’t clear. I am trying to take advantage of the spare time I have to write but its not happening. I feel myself going in circles because I can’t figure out how to break free of this never ending loop. The things that I think I want today are not the same as what I will want next week. I invest time and energy into projects that I plan to stick with for the long term then , when the passionate connection disappears, I abandon the idea, a sense of unease and discomfort at another failed attempt at something that was going to be my ‘thing’.
So I am living day to day with no real focus. I am job hunting with no real luck so far, I am enjoying the fact that at this moment I can take my son to school and watch him walk into his class, because once I return to work, that probably wont be the case. I am trying very hard to embrace this moment for what it is and not dwell too much on this lack of focus. I am spending my days with intention of moving forward. I am doing things that may or may not be worthwhile to gaining some momentum. I am trying though. It is important that I don’t feel that I am languishing here in the present, whilst still making sure that I appreciate this time for what it is.
Back to the reason I am full of shit. I have mentioned on a few occasions that I wanted my Blog to be ME. Really, me, warts and all blah, blah, blah. Here’s the thing. I realized that its not. It’s the sanitized version that I drip feed the world because I am scared. Scared that people won’t like me if I share my opinion on something. Scared that things I have said here may be twisted and manipulated and used against me in some way. Scared that people won’t like what they read because my ramblings on my life aren’t worth their time to read.
I am back to where I started. Letting fear control my life. Its very easy to allow small fears some real estate in my mind however the trouble is they mutate and grow into larger ones that cloud my thoughts and make me indecisive. Which is where I am now.
So where to from here? Easy. I am going to do what I do best. I am going to be me. For real this time. Be warned. I swear. I make no sense. I might ramble on for an entire post about my passion for folding vs scrunching. I am no longer going to hide behind what I think is the ideal thing for me to say. I am going to say it and say it loud. I am not ashamed of who I am. After all, I have a big bunch of people who know the real me and think I am pretty special to them. Which is all that really matters.
Image credit Lauren Macdonald
Image used under licence.